I Ate At McDonald's

Putrid bile, vile heartburn shit.
Oily, greasy tasteless crap.
Insipid, limp-wristed rain-forest destroying cow-pat.
Artery clogging, cholesterol saturated cud.
Cloying, soul destroying, denatured cardboard indigestion.
Silicon coated, Teflon tainted American plastic.
Have a nice day.
Vomit warmed up, spewing forth, choking unable to breathe.
Sandblasted, sanitised French Fries from hell.
Dizzy spells, packaged smell, feel unwell, puke.
Why the fuck did I go back to Mc Donald's?



I wrote this piece at the height of a bitterly cold winter in the Czech Republic. My company did not have company (or pool) cars back then, and I could not afford one, so I had caught a lift (in a Škoda 120) to Brno where I spent the day working at a campus recruiting event. I had only been in the Czech Republic for two months at that stage and the only way for me to get back to Prague was to brave the deep snow in a frozen bus from Brno to Prague. I was a 210km trip back home, it was the worst winter in 75 years, I was feeling pretty miserable and was hungry.

I believe the coach dropped me at the bus terminal at Praha hlavní nádraží (the main railway station) and from there I made my way down Václavské náměstí (Wenceslas Square) where I was going to catch a tram back to my apartment in Prague 7, Holešovice. At the time McDonald's did not have any restaurants in South Africa (where I had relocated from) and I had only tasted my first Big Mac about a month earlier...and it had been a far from pleasant experience. Nevertheless, it was dark, the snow was deep, I was frozen and there was probably very little to eat in my apartment, so I took the convenient way out, and returned to McDonald's for my second attempt at a Big Mac. On the tram home, I scrawled my less than complimentary assessment of the meal on the back of a graduate interview form.

Penned at breakneck speed on December 8, 1995 (in the freezing cold) on Tram 14 to Náměstí Republiky (Republic Square), Prague, Czech Republic.

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©

Rolling for PW

On Thursday, August 28, 1980 (while nursing a blend of conjunctivitis and flu) I had a major motor accident. At the time I was a conscript serving with the 7th SA Infantry Battalion, had returned from Ondangwa in the South West African "Operational Area" on June 28, and was posted to 7 SAI's base camp in Phalaborwa before returning to "The Border". A very pleasant chap by the name of Johann Grove had just returned to Namibia, and asked me whether I would drive his car home to Johannesburg for him. I agreed and was joined by Ingo Eggers and Jan Viljoen who shared the fuel costs with me. On that fateful Thursday we left Phalaborwa, heading for Pretoria, and my diary picks up the story on the R101:

Pass. On a detour road between Nylstroom and Warmbaths I got blinded by a truck's headlights, misjudged a right-hand corner, drifed, corrected, drifted across the road, hit an irrigation ditch and rolled the Mazda 323, 1300cc four times. Landed on the roof. Three of us OK. Car a total write-off. Lucky to be alive. Hiked home (accident at 06:10 pm).



Incredibly, we hitchhiked back to Pretoria in full military "step out" uniform, covered from head to toe in petrol, squashed banannas, mashed avocado pears, lager beer and red Transvaal dust. My neck has never been the same since, and I apologise to Ingo and Jan if they have had any long term side effects. Sadly for me, this was not to be my last accident for the weekend. Two days later, on the night of Saturday, August 30, 1980 I was a passenger in another rolling car on the corner of Crown Avenue and Lawley Street in Waterkloof, Pretoria. But that's another story...



I took these photographs on Monday, September 1, 1980 at the Warmbad Scrap Yard at 1 Industria Road in Warmbaths on my way back to base after an insane weekend. FYI, here's the route of the R101 between Nylstroom and Warmbaths.

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©

The Back of the Moon

The Back of the Moon was one of the best Motocross tracks in South Africa back in the late-70's and early-80's. It was situated in Baviaanspoort, to the north of Pretoria and to the south of the Roodeplaat Dam. Although racing was way beyond my budget, I spent many fine weekends out there with friends who had the wherewithal.



Apparently I misspent a little bit of my youth there on Saturday, October 13, 1979, just over three months into my two years of compulsory military conscription. My diary for the day reads as follows:

Kohler's in morning. Gary there. To his place. Loaded bikes - 2 x RM 250 and 1 x KTM 250. To "Back of the Moon" MX track. Races: Gary won 1st race and came 2nd in 2nd race. Peter wiped out. Anton 3rd overall. Twelve ales!! Lisa George there. To Peter's. Home. To Fischers ± 20 people there - all to Boogies. Substance abuse. Beer, brandy, Southern Comfort, tequila and rum!! To Monastery Disco at 10:00pm. Everyone there. Took Nikki Ashton home. Zeller, Barker, two others and I to Johannesburg at 11:30pm. To Carlton Centre and Hillbrow. Zeller, Barker and I passed out in cab. To Fischers. Took Zeller and Barker home. Bed at 03:30am.

Those were the days! Phew - I'm exhaused just reading that ;-)

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©

15 Albums

On September 3, 2010 my old connection from Pretoria, Helgard de Barros posted a challenge on his Facebook page:

15 ALBUMS

THE RULES: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. Copy and post to your profile. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what albums my friends choose*. (To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note).

Phew - tough one! The 15 albums that have defined me. Hmmm....

So I created a list in under ten minutes, off the top of my head. A few hours later, I created another. Tonight two more! For future reference, here they are:

1. Scraping Foetus off the Wheel - Hole
2. Black Sabbath - We Sold Our Soul for Rock 'n' Roll
3. David Bowie - Space Oddity
4. The Sisters of Mercy - Floodland
5. Nirvana - Nevermind
6. Bob Marley & the Wailers - Exodus
7. The Asylum Kids - Fight it With Your Mind
8. Bernoldus Niemand - Wie Is Bernoldus Niemand
9. Echo & the Bunnymen - Crocodiles
10. Gary Numan & the Tubeway Army - Replicas
11. Nina Hagen - Nina Hagen Band
12. Dead Kennedys - Frankenchrist
13. Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
14. The Clash - Sandinista
15. The Doors - The Doors

1. Rodriguez - Cold Fact
2. Golden Earring - Moontan
3. Uriah Heep - Magician's Birthday
4. The The - Infected
5. Stan Ridgway - The Big Heat
6. The Waterboys - Fisherman's Blues
7. Frank Zappa - Live in New York
8. Bauhaus - The Sky's Gone Out
9. Pretenders - Pretenders
10. Blondie - Parallel Lines
11. Kate Bush - The Kick Inside
12. David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars
13. Patti Smith Group - Easter
14. Depeche Mode - A Broken Frame
15. System of a Down - Mezmerize

1. Peter Tosh - Equal Rights
2. Joe Jackson - Look Sharp
3. The Beat - I Just Can't Stop It
3. Elvis Costello - Armed Forces
4. Spliff - 85555
5. Deutsch-Amerikanische Freundschaft - Alles Ist Gut
6. Stan Ridgway - The Big Heat
7. T-Rex - Electric Warrior
8. The Selecter - Too Much Pressure
9. Violent Femmes - 3
10. Public Image Ltd - The Flowers of Romance
11. Koos Kombuis - Ver van die Ou Kalahari
12. Gereformeerde Blues Band - Eet Kreef
13. David Bowie - Lodger
14. The Clash - Combat Rock
15. L7 - Bricks Are Heavy

1. Kraftwerk - Die Mensch-Maschine
2. Joe Jackson - Jumpin' Jive
3. Frank Zappa - Sheik Yerbouti
4. David Bowie - Hunky Dory
5. Die Antwoord - $O$
6. Linton Kwesi Johnson - Forces of Victory
7. The Doors - An American Prayer
8. Tribe After Tribe - Power
9. Einstürzende Neubauten - Haus der Lüge
10. The Specials - Specials
11. The Jam - All Mod Cons
12. Echo & the Bunnymen - Ocean Rain
13. Queen - Queen II
14. Alice Cooper - Love It to Death
15. Type O Negative - Life Is Killing Me

1. Metallica - Metallica (The Black Album)
2. Kiss - Alive
3. Ian Dury & the Blockheads - New Boots & Panties
4. Jethro Tull - Aqualung
5. Peter Gabriel - Peter Gabriel (no. 3, 1980)
6. David Bowie - Pin Ups
7. The Doors - LA Woman
8. Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel - Nail
9. Rammstein - Sehnsucht
10. Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper - Root Hog Or Die
11. AC/DC - Let There Be Rock
12. Soundtrack - The Rocky Horror Picture Show
13. Soundtrack - Jesus Christ Superstar (Original London Cast)
14. Soundtrack - That Summer!
15. Status Quo - Dog of Two Head

2014-11-16 UPDATE
My wife just gave me her list of 15 :-)
I'd like to add Foo Fighters - Wasting Light to my list too...

1. Soundtrack - The Rocky Horror Picture Show
2. Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
3. Pearl Jam - Ten
4. Nirvana - Nevermind
5. Guns 'n' Roses - Appetite For Destruction
6. Violent Femmes - 3
7. REM - Document
8. The Doors - LA Woman
9. Stan Ridgway - The Big Heat
10. Echo & the Bunnymen - Ocean Rain
11. Metallica - Metallica (The Black Album)
12. Rammstein - Mutter
13. Marilyn Manson - The Golden Age Of Grotesque
14. Golden Earring - The Naked Truth
15. Foo Fighters - Wasting Light

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©

Karibou - Waka Waka (1992)

In 1992, my girlfriend and I went to the Comores for a week of cocktails, food, fornication and scuba diving. The resident band at the La Galawa Beach Hotel was called Karibou, and they did a fantastically funky song called "Waka Waka". I still have the cassette tape, and this is a scan of the cover...



Flash forward 18 years. Tonight I was watching the concert hosted in the Orlando Stadium in Soweto, South Africa on the night before the opening of the 2010 World Cup of Football. Colombian artist Shakira was one of the performers. To my surprise, she did the "Waka Waka" and , by all accounts "Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)" is the official anthem and dance of the World Cup!



This got me thinking about the origins of the song, and I found an article called Waka Waka For Africa in the Kenyan newspaper The Standard:

The vuvuzela and makarapa mad nation is all jiggy to Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) World Cup — a chorus borrowed from the Cameroonian 1986 hit military song Zangaléwa (Zamina mina), which means "who asked you to come", performed by the group Golden Sounds.

It is interesting that the _original song was such a hit for Golden Sounds that they eventually changed their name to Zangaléwa. They released four albums — the one that included Zangaléwa was awarded Record of the Year in Cameroon. The group was formed in 1984 by a group of presidential guards who wrote the song for the troops. They even sung part of the song in Beti and Fang, dialects from Cameroon.

Soldiers used the tune as a motivational anthem. Critics have it that the song mocked African soldiers back then and does not glorify Africa.

The original lyrics, which are in Fang goes like this:

Za mina mina eh eh
Waka waka eh eh
Za mina mina zangalewa
Ana wam ah ah
Zambo eh eh
Zambo eh eh
Za mina mina zangalewa
Wana wa ah ah

But only hours after two new versions of the up-tempo track, Waka Waka which means "Do It", was released on YouTube over 400,000 viewers had already been hooked to the video by Tuesday — and local Kenyan stations were cashing on the hit.

Shakira shakes

The song is infectiously groovy and has an African touch from traditional African beats fused with modern instrumentation as Shakira’s lead vocals does wonders. And that’s not all as the Africanness of the song is brought out by Freshly Ground back-up vocals. The South African group creates the South African melodic feel recognisable in African music scene.

One of the videos, which come with spectacular sights and sounds of savannah with wild animals celebrating the soccer spirit, brings the feeling even closer home. A cameo appearance of South African popular group Ladysmith Black Mambazo is inspiring".

Fantastic!! I'm proud to have been grooving to this song almost two decades ago :-)

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©

My Wife (For Debs)

"It's good to get away..."
Into this sea of seething sex,
Red hot Czechs...
But I really miss my wife.

"I'm going to have a jôl..."
Trying to fuck these fantasy femmes,
Dobre dens...
But I really miss my wife.

"Prague women are so cool..."
Erotic mincing in micro minis,
Fur bikinis...
But I really miss my wife.

"It's so easy to get laid..."
Worshipping tits and tweaking twats,
Body shots...
But I really miss my wife.

"I'll be coming round the mountain..."
Suck and caress a creamy clit,
Give a shit?...
But I really miss my wife.

But let's face it.
This is all bullshit, a dream, it does not exist.
It is non-reality, forgoing all pretension toward significance,
inspiration, complexity and profundity.
There is only one reality.

I honestly and truly love and miss my wife.



At the end of September 1995 - six months after getting married in South Africa - I relocated to the Czech Republic, pursuing my dream job but unfortunately leaving my new wife behind in Pretoria. I found a wonderful apartment in Holešovice, Prague that had the most magnificent pale green carpets.



As anyone who's lived there will tell you, Prague is a hotbed of temptation for a single man, but I'm proud to say that I didn't succumb during my 12 months of married bachelorhood. But I can't say it was easy...as this amateurish effort reveals. I wrote this piece on a frozen bus, in the deep snow on the road from Brno to Prague. My company did not have company cars back then, and I could not afford one, so I had caught a lift (in a Škoda 120) to Brno where I spent the day working at a campus recruiting event. The old run-down bus was the only way I had to travel the 210km back home, it was the worst winter in 75 years, I was feeling pretty miserable and was really missing Debs.

Penned very quickly on December 8, 1995 (on a frigid bus from Brno to Prague, Czech Republic).

Cheers, MAlfaRK ©